The following is a parody of Macklemore’s song “Thrift Shop.” I wrote the parody version for kicks a few weeks back, and then performed it at Desert Bus for Hope 8 (a massive annual online charity event I help organize and run). You can watch that performance here. Good grief I was so nervous – rap music is not something I’m experienced at performing.

Photos from the performance below, all taken by Andrew Ferguson. You can see more of his work here, and more of his Desert Bus photos specifically here. 

Craft Shop

I’m gonna make some stuff,
Only got scissors and a bit of hot glue
I’m crafting, looking for a project
This is fucking awesome.

Walk up to the fair like “What up? I got a hit blog!”
I’m so pumped about some shit from the craft shop
Stencil on my shirt, it’s so damn whimsical
That people like “Damn! That’s some crazy DIY skills!”
Rollin’ in, hella deep, headed to the mezzanine
Dressed in all rustic, ‘cept my ankle boots, they’re shabby chic
Draped in a cotton shrug, hipsters standin’ next to me
Prob’ly shoulda hemmed this, looks like junior high home ec

But shit, it took fifteen minutes!

Cuttin’ it, pastin’ it, ‘bout to go and get some compliments
Passin’ up that pine cone craft someone else was Pinteresting
Clever and unique, suck it man
I am sewing and knitting and
Rackin’ up air miles and I’m hella happy that’s a bargain bitch
I’ma take your grandma’s style, I’ma take your grandma’s style,
No for real – ask your grandma – can I have her fabric scraps?
A light paisley and some old quilt blocks
Shiny gold sequinned lace that I found digging’
They had a Cricut Mini, I bought a Cricut Mini
I bought embossing powder, then I bought some gold leaf
Hello, hello, my ace gal my Martha
Etsy ain’t got nothin’ on my handmade game, hell no
I could take some fancy paper, cut out flowers, paste those,
The scrapbookers would be like “Aw, she should’ve stencilled.”

I’m gonna make some stuff,
Only got scissors and a bit of hot glue
I’m crafting, looking for a project
This is fucking awesome.

I’m gonna make some stuff,
Only got scissors and a bit of hot glue
I’m crafting, looking for a project
This is fucking awesome.

What you know about stampin’ a bag with some chevrons?
What you know about getting a pattern drawn?
I’m makin’, I’m makin’, I’m getting that inspiration
One gal’s fail, that’s another gal’s stage one
Thank your grandma for making that old granny square quilt
‘Cause right now I’m learnin’ those skills
I’m at the craft store, you can find me in a Michael’s
I’m that, I’m that crafter searchin’ through the ribbon bin
Your grammy, your aunty, your momma, your mammy
I’ll take that cardboard chandelier kit discount price, I’ll make that motherfucker
The melted crayon art I made that motherfucker
I hit the craft fair and they stop in that motherfucker
They be like “Oh, that Gucci, that’s hella tight.”
I’m like “Yo, that dress doesn’t even have pockets.”
Underwhelming composition, let’s do some simple revision,
Dress without pockets – that’s just quick pattern fix
I call that getting swindled and pimped
I call that getting tricked by a business
That dress is hella dough
And having nowhere to put your stuff while you’re out is a hella don’t
Pinterest, come and take a look through my favourite posts
Try to step to my amount of pins? Well you hella won’t
No you hella won’t

I’m gonna make some stuff,
Only got scissors and a bit of hot glue
I’m crafting, looking for a project
This is fucking awesome.

I make your grandma’s crafts
I’m kicking so much ass
Check my supply-filled tote
From that craft store down the road

I make your grandma’s crafts
I’m kicking so much ass
Check my supply-filled tote
From that craft store down the road

I’m gonna make some stuff,
Only got scissors and a bit of hot glue
I’m crafting, looking for a project
This is fucking awesome.

Is that your grandpa’s quilt?

-parody lyrics by Tally Heilke, 2014

Personally, I knew for sure the performance was a success when my friend Ashton started laughing too hard to stay in his chair.